I’m impressed with myself. This is my 30th blog post, and I haven’t yet run out of things to moan about.
This is evidence, I’m sure, of a preternatural degree of talent. Stick me on the elysian white sands of a paradise beach, and I’d somehow manage to stand on a jellyfish; stick me on an online dating site and I’d locate the foot-fetishists within minutes.
It’s also evidence of hypocrisy. When it comes to complaining about others’ crimes on the site, I’m in no position to cast the first stone. I could probably get away with throwing, say, rotten tomatoes. But definitely not a stone the size of this blog.
Here are some of my own online dating offences. I’m afraid to say this list is far from exhaustive.
1) Not replying to messages – By far and away my biggest sin is failing to reply to messages. Some messages aren’t worthy of a reply, and sometimes I’m genuinely busy, but more commonly I’m just being lazy. For all my bluster about having work to do, I’m probably staring gormlessly into space and wondering how many cats you could fit in a phonebox.
2) Sending sarky retorts – As for the times I do reply – well, those don’t exactly exonerate me. When I’m having a bad day, I find it therapeutic to pick fights with randomers:
Man: Hi, Still wondering if you’re still single.
Me: Yes. Clearly I’m single. Which is why my profile says ‘single’. Just to pre-empt any further questions, I’m also ‘female’, in ‘London’, and ‘straight’.
Man: OOps! Got it. But Change is eminent and quick. Every thing changes except change. Seems you are not in good mood.
3) Discriminating on the basis of punctuation – I’m what is known as a ‘grammar Nazi’. Bad news if my One True Love happens to be dyslexic.
4) Discriminating on the basis of looks – At times, I’m about as deep as a drop of coughed-up sputum in a drought.
5) Answering far too many match questions – 700+ at time of writing. Who has that much time on their hands? If it weren’t for the fact that I don’t have that much time on my hands, I’d go back through my answers and delete them.
6) Turning up late for dates – Being 45 minutes late for a coffee in Soho was a particular nadir. I blame the fact that Soho is a labyrinth. It wasn’t so much the getting lost that made me late as the being attacked by a minotaur on Shaftesbury Avenue.
7) This post, question 5b – Me. To a T.
Anyway, I’m sure I can’t be the only one culpable of OkCupid crimes. Are any of you similarly guilty?