An OkCupid Mea Culpa

I should not cast them

I’m impressed with myself. This is my 30th blog post, and I haven’t yet run out of things to moan about.

This is evidence, I’m sure, of a preternatural degree of talent. Stick me on the elysian white sands of a paradise beach, and I’d somehow manage to stand on a jellyfish; stick me on an online dating site and I’d locate the foot-fetishists within minutes.

It’s also evidence of hypocrisy. When it comes to complaining about others’ crimes on the site, I’m in no position to cast the first stone. I could probably get away with throwing, say, rotten tomatoes. But definitely not a stone the size of this blog.

Here are some of my own online dating offences. I’m afraid to say this list is far from exhaustive.


1) Not replying to messages – By far and away my biggest sin is failing to reply to messages. Some messages aren’t worthy of a reply, and sometimes I’m genuinely busy, but more commonly I’m just being lazy. For all my bluster about having work to do, I’m probably staring gormlessly into space and wondering how many cats you could fit in a phonebox.

2) Sending sarky retorts – As for the times I do reply – well, those don’t exactly exonerate me. When I’m having a bad day, I find it therapeutic to pick fights with randomers:

Man: Hi, Still wondering if you’re still single. 
Me: Yes. Clearly I’m single. Which is why my profile says ‘single’. Just to pre-empt any further questions, I’m also ‘female’, in ‘London’, and ‘straight’.
Man: OOps! Got it. But Change is eminent and quick. Every thing changes except change.  Seems you are not in good mood.

3) Discriminating on the basis of punctuation – I’m what is known as a ‘grammar Nazi’. Bad news if my One True Love happens to be dyslexic.

4) Discriminating on the basis of looks – At times, I’m about as deep as a drop of coughed-up sputum in a drought.

5) Answering far too many match questions – 700+ at time of writing. Who has that much time on their hands? If it weren’t for the fact that I don’t have that much time on my hands, I’d go back through my answers and delete them.

6) Turning up late for dates – Being 45 minutes late for a coffee in Soho was a particular nadir. I blame the fact that Soho is a labyrinth. It wasn’t so much the getting lost that made me late as the being attacked by a minotaur on Shaftesbury Avenue.

7) This post, question 5b – Me. To a T.


Anyway, I’m sure I can’t be the only one culpable of OkCupid crimes. Are any of you similarly guilty?


About Abi Millar

British freelance journalist living in the Netherlands
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15 Responses to An OkCupid Mea Culpa

  1. Mark says:

    I will sometimes see a new message and read it, I like the sound of the person and it is a nice message to I want to reply to it, but I want to think about what to say rather than just rush into it and mess things up, so I do a quick reply to a few others and save the replying to the one I really wanted to until I have a bit more time.

    Before I know it, a month has passed and I still haven’t got back to them, and they have sent another message about me not replying when they have seen me online or no longer have an account, or I just think too long has passed and never get around to replying.

    On the other hand, sometimes I will reply within about 30 seconds, just depends what im up to really!

    • Abi Millar says:

      I do exactly the same thing. There’s a window for replying, and after a while it gets too awkward. Clearing out my inbox, I always see message threads I can’t understand why I dropped.

      • Nick says:

        I’m not so sure this is true. We live an accelerated life these days, with that insistent demand to respond to the flashing red light, but people do have other things going on. I have received messages after a month that have been well considered and charming, and I tend to think better a late response than none, particularly if there is a flicker of possibility.

        I am ashamed to say that number 4 is a flaw of mine, but then that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of my pickiness.

      • El Kapitan Pingoloco says:

        Just reply anyway. It’s a better cumulative use of time than starting again with someone new – and how can you predict exactly what the other person’s reaction will be to the potential new rapport? It might be worth it. It’s happened to me and it’s annoying, and a female-only thing online. Don’t expect men to make inroads into gender equality (oops, we already have, ball’s in your court now) if you’re not willing to make the effort to redress any imbalances you find that are against men, as well, as the above would be one that’s within your power. Plato said something about how to know the true nature of someone and it was about power. One really doesn’t want to apply that to gender politics if one wants to stay happy, the truth ain’t pretty.
        People are not to be a viewed as a commodity, but online, especially, that’s all we are, until we make the effort to break out of that cycle, or at least make it a personal intimate meeting, which is supposed to be the point. Then we’re still a commodity, but at least can have the chance to transcend that. Online we rarely can. Keep messaging if there’s some hint of something interesting there – you don’t know what it might translate to in real life.

  2. jonathan says:

    ha, my grammar Nazi question was actually relevant to you! Cool. I finally disabled the thing, I answered a bunch of questions in a fit of rage after not getting responses (or just getting stupid responses back) and it told me I was ‘less adventurous’. I said fuck that and disabled. I’ll go back on one day…when ladies decide to respond to simple friggin’ hello.

    • Mark says:

      I think what you need to write to get a reply does depend what you look like, if you were a combination of Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt you are probably going to get girls swooning over you even if you tell them they look like a yak with botulism.

      Where as if you are like me and look like you have fallen out of the ugly tree, hitting every branch on the way down, then had a group of kids beating you with the ugly branches that fell off as you are laying there with broken ribs after your fall. You have to be a little more imaginative than hello.

      As for Grammar Nazi’s, they are the bane of mine (and probably all dyslexics) life!!

      • Abi Millar says:

        I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I personally find the turquoise skin quite fetching.

      • jonathan says:

        I mean I did try with more than a hello. That’s why I felt kind of offended when there wasn’t a reply back. If they were to reply to a hello (making everything simplistic) it would be a great day or the end of the world. So it’s kinda tough to be on that thing. I did talk to high match percentages, who may or may not have been out of my league but I still gave it a shot. Reading this post reminds me that, yea sometimes people will not respond as fast, it just feels like shit if they don’t (in this world of checking and responding to emails while waiting in line for food). Then, when I did get that response it felt like it was a lie. Girl puts, likes documentaries on her profile. I ask for recommendation, she says “loose change”. Really? The friggin 9/11 conspiracy crap? Sad. Anyway, like I said, I will try it again. Some posts have made me realize I should be chill and not get my panties in a bunch if I don’t get a response. While we both, maybe, have been beaten with an ugly stick – we’re money and we don’t even know it. Yes, I had to end it with a “Swingers” quote.

        • Anonymous says:

          Swingers is Money.

        • fool on the outside, nots so smarter on the inside says:

          I’m just wondering if you sent a message but got no reply is it worth sending another say 2 months later? Or is that kind of stalker-ish?
          Like you said there is a window of time.

          • Natalie says:

            Speaking from experience, chances are if they weren’t interested enough to reply the first time around, they probably won’t be interested enough the second time round…

            Guys often complain about not getting replies from girls, but I often get this situation: a man has obviously spent a long time writing a message to me and put thought and effort into it, but I can tell from his pictures there is absolutely no way I’m ever going to be attracted to him. Would they rather 1. I don’t reply at all to make my romantic disinterest obvious, 2. Exchange messages meaning they spend time getting to know me before they realise I don’t fancy them or want to meet them, or 3. Reply to their message but include something in there outright saying “listen, I don’t fancy you at all but thanks for the message?”. I don’t like any of those options much, so I wonder which would be best…

            • Mark says:

              I always try and reply even if it is someone I don’t find attractive, as I have had some great conversations and made friends with people who I haven’t necessarily been attracted to.

              So I will go for box number 2 please 🙂

      • False Identity says:

        *Nazis (not Nazi’s) 😉

  3. fool on the outside, nots so smarter on the inside says:

    Thanks for replying. So I guest I must be kind of fugly…..I’ll go and find a bridge to leave under ,and collect a toll from travelers until I end up getting kill by 3 billy-goats.

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