A ‘What I’m Looking For’ Questionnaire

OkCupid can definitely improve on this

(This post back up by popular demand.)

One of the things you have to specify, when filling in your profile, is what you’re ‘looking for’. Oh heck. Now this if this isn’t a labyrinth of potential calamities, I don’t know what is.

Aside from the fact that people who know what they’re looking for are downright scary (if you Definitely Want to Get Married in the Next 12 Months Irrespective of Circumstance, I’m talking to you), the options presented are so ambiguous as to mean nothing whatsoever.

They should make you fill in a questionnaire, forcing you to define your terms more clearly. I mean, being that Satanism and jam-making are both ‘activities’, two people looking for ‘activity partners’ may both be in for a shock on their first date. Especially if they exchange vials of red stuff and attempt to spread it on their toast.

Fill this in to eliminate such confusions. Circle as appropriate, and skip those that don’t apply.

******************************************************************************************

The What I’m Looking For Questionnaire

1) Short-term dating

Do you mean:

a) “I’m looking for an endless stream of soul-destroying, one-off dates with badly chosen targets.” Y / N

b) “I’m looking for a beautiful romance which finishes sooner than you might think.” Y / N

Specify the exact length of romance: ……. mins

c) “I’m looking for [see q6], but with a nominal date beforehand consisting of the period in between opening the door and pouncing on my guest.” Y / N

2) Long-term dating

Do you mean:

a) “I’m looking for a soul-destroying date with a badly chosen target whom I plan on dating again.” Y / N

b) “I’m looking for a beautiful romance which culminates in i) marriage or ii) a restraining order”

Specify any previous convictions here: ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

c) “I’m looking for [see q6] but make it tantric.” Y / N

3) New friends

Do you mean:

a) “I’m looking for people to add on Facebook, because the number of friends I have on Facebook is a direct measure of my inner worth.” Y / N

b) “I’m looking for people to meet up with in a strictly platonic sense.” Y/N

What about if they’re unattractive? N

c) “I’m looking for [see q6], but without any sense of simmering mutual hatred and/or urge to maim.” Y / N

4) Long-distance penpals

Do you mean:

a) “I’m looking for an intense relationship with someone on the other side of the world whom I never have to meet.” Y/ N

Is this because of hygiene considerations, and if so, in which continent must the other party live to ensure that he/she can’t smell you? …………………………………………………………………………………………..

b) “I have too much time on my hands” Y / N

What’s the square root of 4,252,209,320,102,111? (Calculator use is cheating) ……………………

c) “I’m looking for [see q6] AND a free holiday.” Y / N

5) Activity Partners

Do you mean:

a) “I’m looking for people to play tennis with.” Y / N

b) “I’m looking for people to play tonsil tennis with” Y / N

c) “I’m looking for [see q6], but on a jet ski/climbing wall/racetrack/ski slope /stand at a stamp collecting convention.” (delete as appropriate)

 

6) Casual Sex.

Do you mean:

a) “I’m looking for casual sex” Y / N

b) “I’m secretly just looking for attention” Y / N

c) “I’m looking for sex in casual attire, e.g. specially customised trackie bottoms; baggy T-shirt from beer festival attended in 1992; anything slightly stained and rumpled I more commonly use for cleaning the bathroom.” Y/ N

May black ties, however, be used for bondage? Y / N /  Hoodie sleeves only

******************************************************************************************

This has got to work better than the match algorithm, don’t you think?

(Apologies to loyal readers, by the way, for such a dire post. You may attribute this to the fact that match.com has bought OkCupid, contributing to a corresponding drop in quality here. I’ll be back on form asap.)

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About Abi Millar

Journalist and caffeine fiend. I blog about fitness, media fails, London life, and whatever unrelated fixations have piqued my curiosity that day.
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8 Responses to A ‘What I’m Looking For’ Questionnaire

  1. Brilliant! You put it back up. Couldn’t help but laugh uncontrollably the first time I saw it, thinking you must have just gotten back from another loser date.

    Hang in there!

  2. Noldorin says:

    Entertaining post. Very cynical, but with a certain amount of truth perhaps… Do you actually think this way when you read people’s profiles?

    Liking the new banner also. (Did you mean for them all to be male, hah?)

  3. Abi Millar says:

    Haha no, whoops. Maybe subconsciously. Better change that…

  4. Abi Millar says:

    I just took a screenshot of what I get when I log into the site, and photoshopped it. Clearly I didn’t photoshop it enough…

    Amended now. And no, for what it’s worth, I don’t really think that when I look at people’s profiles. According to my own classification, I myself am looking for abortive relationships, personal validation via facebook and tantric sex…

    • Noldorin says:

      That’s a good thing… I suppose? Also, you seem to be onto something with this post. The new OkCupid blog post tells me that “people that like the taste of beer” actually “want sex” and that if “spelling and grammar mistakes annoy you” you’re actually declaring atheism. What a strange world we live in.

  5. EcoChap says:

    It’s back! I actually really enjoyed this post when I first read it and found it funny when it was subsequently deleted then re-posted. Twice? Anyhow, I’m pleased it’s back, because I enjoyed it just as much the second time round.

    @Noldorin I read that OkTrends article too and found it pretty interesting! I’d love to have access to their, probably vast, data sets.

    According to your classification, it seems I’m looking for deep, platonic relationships and facebook rep, with possible potential for 6.) in formal wear or novel situations; all of my close friends have a suspicious tendency to be attractive, stamps arouse me and not wearing a cravat is the closest I get to casual. I also have far too much time on my hands and intend to move to Scandinavia after my degree, so my long-distance pen-pals are unwitting, but assuredly willing candidates for 3.) and 6.).

  6. Noldorin says:

    @EcoChap: Yeah, having access to the datasets would give me hours of (nerdy) fun! Unfortunately there’s probably a data-protection/security issue, so it will never happen, even with personal information removed. Too bad…

    This post was deleted twice? Haha. Even the author is unsure if it was too cynical, it seems! Glad it’s staying though. I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I mean by the selection on my profile.

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