A while back, I compiled a list: 5 categories of message best avoided. I’m glad I wrote it. These days, most of the awful messages I receive tend at least to take an original tack. Take the following message thread for example:
Him: ohh mama i’z would lov 2 cum on ur feet
Me: 0% match. Brilliant. Are you for real?
Him: yea u ave sexy feet nd i onlyz typ wotz iz on my mind
Me: With a malfunctioning keyboard? Might set up a fake profile of my own. Looks like fun.
Him: wotz u mean by fake? dis is who i iz
Me: Why do you spell ‘is’ with a Z?
Him: coz i try nd typ da way i tak
Him: y u on a dating site?
Me: 1) to go on dates 2) for my own sick amusement. You?
Him: koolz so u lik a bit of messingz about. iz what to meet a fit bird nd c wot hapends
Me: they’ll need to be illiterate. Just to warn you.
Him: lol yea so wud it b ok if iz could c ur sexy feet? nd how wud u fill bot me cumming on dem
(I didn’t bother replying after this point. The joke was starting to wear thin – and besides, my feet are about as sexy as a warthog with Bell’s Palsy.)
Crap messages of this type are, in bulk, enough to make anyone feel world-weary. We are born alone, we die alone and in between the two it’s nice at least to pretend that we have company. Unfortunately, this sort of interaction takes your common thread of humanity and replaces it with silly string. Strange to think that Mr Typ Da Way I Tak and I share about 99.5% of our genetic code, twice as much as either of us shares with a cabbage.
Worse than the crazies are the trolls – the people who thrive on sending personal insults into the ether for no reason other than to annoy you.
Put anything on the internet whatsoever and you immediately become a target. Plug your band on myspace and the ‘haters’ will tell you that you’re shit. Create a blog about cakes and the anti-obesity lobby will flag you for offensive content. Write an OkCupid profile, and you’ll receive, as I did, a ‘Makes Me Laugh’ award because someone deems it so comically awful.
We’re peculiarly sensitive to insults on a dating site.
My male friend sent a girl an opening gambit. It was humorous, light, pleasant enough. She responded by screaming that he was FAR TOO UGLY TO SPEAK TO HER AND WHY DIDN’T HE PISS OFF AND BREED WITH CATTLE. Or somesuch. And then she blocked him so that he couldn’t retaliate, which at least indicates an awareness that his comeback would have been better than hers.
No more trolling. It’s bad manners. Especially not on OkCupid, where, despite the façade we build up around ourselves, matters of the heart are at stake. My heart is so clogged with façade I might as well have been scoffing big KFC buckets of façade non-stop for fifty years and even mine still occasionally manages a feeble beat…