The Tests


Which flavour condom am I? This kind, apparently…

 Today, somebody told me that this blog is starting to sound like the mad caterwaulings of a desperate lady, who probably keeps clippings from bridal magazines in her bedside drawer and wakes up to a customised alarm clock medley of the best bits of the Bridget Jones soundtrack.

He didn’t actually say that. He actually said ‘Don’t you think the blog is starting to sound a little… errr… militant?’. But in dating parlance, ‘militant’ means one thing only, and it hasn’t got much to do with, say, the military.

No, I said. No indeed. The blog is all incredibly tongue in cheek. Having an end goal, as it were, makes for a better narrative arc, and so if I want to pretend I’m on here looking for My One True Soulmate (rather than just meeting loads of people and having fun with it) then let me be. It’s a more interesting angle than ‘joined the site to arse around doing tests about what flavour condom I most resemble’.

With this in mind, I think it’s only fair that I come clean about the tests. I love them, and I am indeed here partially on that basis. A long time ago, before I even knew OkC was a dating site, I’d already mined the tests section. Like every other self-absorbed twenty-year-old – whose gaze remained entrenched in my navel despite having my head stuck leagues up my bum- I hungered for an online ego massage. Myers Briggs personality type? ENFP (‘INFP’ on shier days). How posh am I? 50% posh. Condom flavour? Banana. (God knows what the rationale was behind that one – ‘completely pointless, rarely used, inhibits the procreation of monkeys, probably tastes a bit like ear infection medicine…?’)

These days, I’m more interested in checking out other people’s. Not just to see how they’ve scored, although that’s revealing, but which ones they’ve gone for in the first place. People commonly use them as a passive-aggressive means to convey the things they’re just too scared to say. If, for example, they have a foot fetish, they may gravitate towards tests like the ‘what fetish are you?’ test and the ‘what’s your opinion of feet?’ test and possibly even the ‘why are you still single?’ test. You’d never know this from their actual profile, in which feet come a paltry 5th in the top 6 things they can’t live without.

Of course, if you are My One True Soulmate, and you’re reading this, don’t read too much into my choices. (The ‘How Would You Commit Murder’ test – result, ‘Stabber’ – does not apply to crimes passionels…)


About Abi Millar

British freelance journalist living in the Netherlands
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4 Responses to The Tests

  1. Mark G. says:

    Here’s a quiz for you: What kind of arsehole describes a dating blog as ‘Militant’?

    Keep up the good work, etc.

  2. Too Much Coffee says:

    oh I’ve had worse comments, believe me. All par for the course. It’s like spiders – they’re more scared of me than I am of them…

  3. EcoChap says:

    The 1st bit reminded me of 27 dresses; a film I enjoyed more than society tells me I’m meant to (I’ve tried being a ‘MAAAN’, it’s overrated).

    I’ve always found the blog to be very tongue-in-cheek, with smatterings of acute insight and occasional windows of emotional translucency that capture both the absurdity and the addictive virtues of online dating.

    If this is militant, then consider me a child of the revolution. Your blog has taken a position on my, already horribly crowded, Google Reader and an esteemed place in my morning reading, alongside some of the best of the web.

    “Like every other self-absorbed twenty-year-old – whose gaze remained entrenched in my navel despite having my head stuck leagues up my bum – I hungered for an online ego massage.” A guffaw isn’t something I experience often, but what just happened… well, it couldn’t be described in any other way. Embarrassingly, this is me. 100%. In fact, that statement applies to me so acutely that I had to look away from my monitor in humiliation. In case you’re wondering – you’re not, but deluded self-importance is a hard habit to break – my political alignment is Socialist; my house is RAVENCLAW!; my ancient god is Amum; I’m an ‘English Genius’; my MBTI is ENTP or INTP, depending on whether I can be arsed, and my taste in art tells you that I’m ‘Conscientious, Fulfilled, and Spiritual’. I’m also a ‘Classic Gentleman’, according to an undignified online test that instantly disqualifies me from this title. Bollocks, the lot of it, but it’s fun!

    “People commonly use them as a passive-aggressive means to convey the things they’re just too scared to say.” Dead on. I use them to communicate things I’ve not the pugnacity to tell people directly, for enjoyment and as confirmation for my self-aggrandising ego.

  4. Too Much Coffee says:

    Well thanks very much. I’m no longer twenty, and am starting to wonder whether my head would be better employed outside of my large intestine, but I do still hunger for an online ego massage. And you have supplied today’s.
    I too am Amun. Nice work with the ‘Aristocratic’ steampunk style, by the way.

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