Filling in your profile on OKCupid is an exceptionally difficult task. You want to (a) portray yourself as honestly as possible (b) attract the sort of people you’re hoping to attract (c) detract the sort of people you’d hoping to repel. And while any one of these aims is achievable enough in itself, trying to do all three at once is like tapping your head while rubbing your stomach while dancing a jig in stilts.
It doesn’t help, either, that the questions are so odd. Take the ‘Six Things I Can’t Live Without’ section. The only two viable approaches are dogged literalism (‘water, food, air, shelter, family, friends LOL’) or slappable smart aleckry (‘7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12’). Far worse are those people who insist on explaining that they, uniquely amongst their peers, actually like more than six things in life.
There are some very good profiles on OKCupid. Some are so witty and so well-written that, even if the guy looked like the far end of a raccoon, he’d still have women queueing up to meet him. Other profiles, however, are… well, less so.
So, no more of the below, please, men of OKCupid. Here are my top 5 profile crimes:
5) Being Generic.
The commonest crime. Mr Generic will talk about his love of food, and wine, and travelling, and friends, and family, and food, and wine, and food, and friends. He’ll say things like, ‘ I like having a good time. In my spare time I enjoy going out for drinks or dinner and also some down time in front of the TV or watching a good DVD.’
Mr Generic, of course, scores points for being a normal, non-deviant human being, and for preferring a good time to a bad time etc. It’s just that this stuff is about as interesting and remarkable as his bowel movements. And as with his bowel movements, I’m glad it happens but I’d rather he didn’t rub it in my face.
4) Saying you’re funny
Mr Supposedly Funny describes himself as ‘funny’ and ‘interesting’ whilst offering nothing in the way of supporting evidence. All we see is a very, very dull profile, enlivened by the occasional outlandish claim.
It’s like a girl claiming to be devastatingly gorgeous while refusing to put any photos up. Most of the time, she’s a man.
3) Being Headless
Every girl likes a guy with a nice body. What most girls don’t like, however, is a nice body photographed without the head.
These pictures are not a turn-on. What have you got to hide, Mr Headless? What is wrong with your face? Do you walk down the street like that – no clothes on at all, except a balaclava hat? To me it just screams masked criminal.
2) Pointing out how hard it is to fill your profile in
Mr Meta-Profile has committed one of the worst profile crimes around.
‘I never know how to fill these things in!’ he exclaims. ‘I never know how to reduce the complexity of my being to so few words! I’m just so very irreducible! You’ll never get ME describing myself in all my multifarious glory on the internet! I need more than six things in life people, more than six things!’
One of my six things would definitely be a moratorium on stating the bleeding obvious.
1) Being KERRRRRR-AZZZZZYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zombie apocalypse? Working on a llama farm? Put it away, Mr Crazy. Who has the energy so near to Christmas? We’re all permanently hungover and walking around like over-sated zombies ourselves. Exclamation marks simply hurt our eyes.
Happy Christmas, all 😉