Quite a few people have messaged me to point out that, while this blog is full of negative examples, I haven’t given much in the way of positive, constructive advice.
No. And that’s deliberate. You don’t want to hear my dating advice in the same way you don’t want to hear Silvio Berlusconi talking about True Love Waits. For me to set myself up as a dating guru would be no more, and no less, advisable than a random person donning a teatowel and chanting on webcam and attempting to recruit disciples.
I am not a portal into the Feminine Collective Consciousness. Women are all quite different. Some of us are right handed, others left handed. Some of us have brown hair, others blonde hair. Some of us fancy Robert Pattison *crosses self*; others would rather stick a stake through our own eye and shoehorn an entire string of garlic where the sun don’t shine than go anywhere near the translucent bastard.
One thing I can say, with that in mind, is that your best bet’s to keep things personal. Suss out what sort of person she seems to be and strike up a conversation accordingly.
The other day, a guy attempted to seduce me on IM by using strategies plundered from The Game. The Game, a 2005 bestseller, tells the tale of how an unassuming chap became a world-renowned pick-up artist. Through a series of rote-learned techniques, the PUA can supposedly have any girl he wants, and Neil Strauss, Game author, abused his powers to pick up Paris Hilton.
“I have an intuition about you, Paris,” Strauss said sagely [I paraphrase, I can’t quite remember], “and that’s that through asking a few simple questions, I’ll be able to get an insight into your personality. Imagine you’re driving along in the desert. You see a box in the distance. What does it look like? How big is it?” Paris imagined her box (ahem) as very large, and very splendid. “The box represents your ego,” said Strauss. Paris’s mind was blown.
Unfortunately for the guy who tried this on me (“I have an intuition about you Abi…”) I’ve read The Game. Unfortunately also for this guy, he failed to heed the Law of Hilton, which is an axiomatic principle stating that, if Paris Hilton finds something impressive, most girls will be a little bit sick into their mouths. Tiny dogs, Cristiano Ronaldo, Paris Hilton-branded T-shirts and pseudo-psychological gimmickry? No thanks, yelp most girls, running to the bathroom. We’re not telling you a thing about our box.
Anyway, the guy got defensive, and asked how he was supposed to stand out from the masses without the aid of these ‘original’ techniques. My take on the matter was that women aren’t a judging panel in a talent contest for amateur magicians. Simply read what the girl has to say for herself, and work out where you have common ground. If you have common ground, then play on that, and if you don’t, then for god’s sake don’t waste your time sending a message.
If the worst comes to the worst, you can always hunt out Hilton doppelgangers. They, it would appear, are easily pleased.