My OKCupid Nemesis

Good plan?

OKCupid is full of people dreaming of  their perfect romantic match.

They want somebody to snuggle in front of log fires with and glug a nice bottle of red wine with; somebody to stride down a sunset beach with and draw shell-strewn hearts in the sand with. They want country walks and conversation. Movies and music and food. Someone who shares their passion for nights in and nights out.

However, excess saccharinity is horribly bad for your health. So, if you ever catch yourself hand in the cookie jar of Hallmark fantasy, I recommend you locate your anti-match.

Your anti-match will wake you up to reality. You’ll lose all faith in the very concept of romantic bliss. You’ll think to yourself, two people had sex and made this person. Possibly after the very sort of lovey-dovey union you’re striving for. It’s enough to put you off love for life.

My anti-match – the person with whom I have least in common in the entirety of OKCupid – lives in Indiana. Actually, if I do a global search for enemies, I find a definite skew towards the American Bible Belt, but this charming chap (0% match, 0% friend, 99% enemy) represents the international pinnacle of my anti-self.

We disagree on almost everything, from the historical accuracy of Noah’s Ark to our views on smoking next to kids. The only particular in which our common humanity shines through seems to be our matching answers to ‘How often do you brush your teeth?’

Hopefully I shall meet this person some day. After all, opposites attract.

 

My self-summary

hi, my ame is chubbz, I got blue eyes average build, want more just ask. I am male, straight, and single

What I’m doing with my life

got to do something cuz life too short to sit around and nothing

I’m really good at

cooking, working on cars, being a good friends

The first things people usually notice about me

mainly is my baby blue eyes. my friends say ( it’s your I.C.P)cloth

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

don’t have a favorite book yet
I like mosty comedy and actions movies
I listens to all music
my favorite food is food

The six things I could never do without

god
family
friends
my I.C.P. music
faygo pop
computer

I spend a lot of time thinking about

just thinking bout my future

On a typical Friday night I am

on a typic friday nite I hangout with my friends
or I’m at home with family having a good time

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

wont know til they talk to me

You should message me if

if you want

 

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About Abi Millar

British freelance journalist living in the Netherlands
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7 Responses to My OKCupid Nemesis

  1. Anonymous says:

    I’m pretty sure that if someone posts this profile verbatim and adds a couple of half-decent photos, he’d have some modest degree of success!

  2. TomTheClutz says:

    What a guy.
    Do we think his “I.C.P music” is referring to the Insane Clown Posse?
    Interestingly, I seem to remember that a while back they took to somewhat contemptuously spraying their audience members with Faygo Root Beer, being that it’s the cheapest, stickiest crap on sale in the states. Kind of like Panda Pop, but in giant bottles.
    Charmers.
    What’s the betting that this guy is there at the front, sporting a “I (heart) Jaysus” T-Shirt, with his mouth open?

    Btw, what’s his username?
    I’m single and trying to break away from my usual type.

  3. Pingback: Five Things I Like About OkCupid | It's Not OK, Cupid

  4. Drew says:

    When did Juggalos learn how to use OKCupid? I’m not sure whether to be scared or impressed. Maybe I’m a little embarrassed too, seeing as how this person is also from ‘mericuh…

  5. Patrick says:

    Juggalos for Jesus? Really?

    • Tessie says:

      I’m dying! AHAHAHAHA! No, but seriously, woof, what a profile. *dies inside*

      It’s no wonder I refuse to see anyone from OKC who’s less than 90% compatible with me. Sometimes it seems like the parameter that weighs most heavily into match percentage is just raw intelligence. The higher-matched I am with someone, the less dimwitted he usually is, the better-written his profile, and so on.

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