Five Categories of Message Best Avoided

As a girl on OKCupid – as any girl on OKCupid – you’re subjected to an awful lot of messages.

You know that urban myth about the bloke who stands at the bus-stop, and propositions every woman who gets off? He doesn’t have any regard for who she is – she could be a scarecrow hastily cobbled together into the shape of a woman, with a couple of melons crudely hoist into a bra  – but if there is even a one in a thousand chance of getting laid, it’s worth a try. Woman number thousand says, “oh, alright then” and next morning there’s straw on his pillow. OKCupid works a bit like that.

Not all the guys, it is true, adopt the blanket-messaging approach, but it does seem a logical strategy for a site in which the etiquette is so cartoonishly old-fashioned. The males here are the aggressors, the pursuers, the peacock-tailed preeners – no effort is required on the women’s part save to sift through and select. As a guy, I’d get disillusioned. I’d send asinine messages.

Here are five of the principal categories of offender. I was going to take all of these directly from my inbox but turns out I deleted most of the sufficiently boring ones on entry.

5) The Insipid

Sample message: hi how r u did u have a good weekend got any plans 4 today? x

He thinks: God, I’m such a nice guy! Most of the guys on this site are just creeps. If I send a message directly NOT mentioning this girl’s massive boobs I will certainly stand out from the  boob-obsessed majority. Me, I’m interested in what’s BEHIND the boobs. (I wonder what she could fit, in storage terms, behind her boobs?). God, I know how to work the laydeez, me.

She thinks: Didn’t you read that bit on my profile in which I mention that text-speak makes me jump off cliffs in search of the solace of oblivion? Oh – let me guess – you didn’t read my profile at all because you were too busy staring at my boobs.

Proportion of total messages falling into this category: 50%

Chances of replying: 0.5%

4) The Lech

He says: You are so gorgeous baby. Wow I would love to get to know you. You are so sexy.

He thinks: If I send this message to loads of girls, irrespective of looks, one of them will let me in her knickers.

She thinks: He has sent this message to loads of girls, irrespective of looks, in the hopes that one will let him in her knickers.

Proportion of total messages falling into this category: 25%

Chances of replying: 1%

3) The Scam Artist

He says: hello, Hi, I saw your profile and you seem like an interesting person. i’m Mourad from Morroco I’m technician of tourisme i hope traveling over in the World On the weekends I like to hike and take pictures. I’m ideally looking for a long-term relationship but I can always use more friends. Take a look at my profile and let me know if you’re interested in chatting further. best wiches to you :)kisses

He thinks: Let’s spam THE WORLD

She thinks: And you want the money when?

Proportion of total messages received: 5%

Chances of replying: 0%

2) The Straight-up Fetishist

He says: I am feeling brave, or perhaps stupid would be a better description – but I am a firm believer that honesty is the best policy from the start!… I am looking to find someone  with an open mind who will share one interest I have – bedroom watersports: I have a thing for wetting myself (as in peeing my pants) and want to find someone else who has done it or would be prepared to do it!

He thinks: Deck me out in medals for my courage.

She thinks: Can’t you find a fetish website?

Proportion of total messages received: 2%

Chances of replying: 0%

1) The Wordsmith

He says: Hi, I have read your illustrious Profile and have found myself compelled to register my adoration for your illuminating and honest approach which I have found very refreshing. Of course your eyes sparkle with wonder and your smile glitters like a glistening jewel of enchantment but it is mostly a mutual despair for irritating internet acronyms that has really captivated my glare and solidified my admiration. And now I seek to capture your prestigious attention too… Yours, drowning in adoration.

He thinks: The literary ladies love me.

She thinks: huh?

Proportion of total messages received: 3%

Chances of replying: 0%

As for the other 15%… I appreciate you all far more than anything you might say would warrant 🙂

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About Abi Millar

Journalist and caffeine fiend. I blog about fitness, media fails, London life, and whatever unrelated fixations have piqued my curiosity that day.
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6 Responses to Five Categories of Message Best Avoided

  1. Max says:

    Hey howz u? Your Paypal account now has funds, Lets urinate – together, How did you get so sexy? You inspire my surroundings.

    Max

  2. Pingback: When An ‘Original’ Approach Backfires « It's Not OK, Cupid

  3. Pingback: Crazies and Trolls « It's Not OK, Cupid

  4. Natalie says:

    So true!! I’ve had quite a few Okcupid misadventures myself- and I am loving your blog. you tell it how it is 🙂

  5. LeonarDonJuansheet says:

    Yh…. you might not want to look in your inbox for a while then…. Lol

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